I used to have such light. I was an it girl. A flirt, a bitch, scum, but I was something. I had spunk, bright eyes, big dreams. I was going to be famous, change the world. I had a million plans, a billion goals, I was passionate, in love with everything and everyone, I kissed everyone I wanted to kiss. A sexual liberal. Smoked all the butts, drank all the beers. Said and did what ever I wanted. Even as a sad baby cry I had something, at least in my anger, my sadness, I had something, I was something. People were afraid of me, I made an entrance, I made an impression.
But I’m faded, I’ve gone through the wash a few too many times. My color has drained. I am a lost child at the zoo. I fell in a pit, I hit my head, the momma gorilla couldn’t even save me. I am a ghost. A shell. of. my. former self. How many times can I bitch and moan. How many times can I cry and cut over him, over everyone, until I feel better. I am a lazy piece of shit, I cannot get anything together. How many sad songs can I listen to. How many times can I go over it and over it. I count my worth in how much money people tip me.
I don’t dance, I don’t dream, I do nothing. I make sandwiches all day, I could my worth in turkey and dimes. I am literally nothing.
No one calls me, no one texts me, I am such a bore, I cannot hold a conversation, I am drunk while being sober.
I am nothing, a shell, nothing nothing nothing, worthless.
It is sad how my only thoughts and concerns have become the thought of lost love, what kind of sandwich I will have for lunch, and the condition of my skin.
